Smack in the Face!
by PsychoHaired
Summary: Harry and the gang are invited to play dodgeball...but a certain darkhaired boy is not very keen on the idea.
1. THERE IS NO MERCY IN DODGEBALL!

**Smack in the Face**  
  
_**By: PsychoHaired**_  
  
**Chapter 1: THERE IS NO MERCY IN DODGE BALL**  
  
"Hey Harry, Ron, Hermione!" Dean came running towards the trio as they enjoyed lunch. They looked up at Dean who was accompanied by Seamus.  
  
"What is it guys?" Harry asked looking up from his plate.  
  
"Well you guys know we're in muggle studies..." Dean started.  
  
"Well we're studying schoolyard games and we got assigned dodge ball" Seamus said.  
  
"Uh huh I remember that game!" Hermione said happily.  
  
"Get to the point" Harry said impatiently... he did not like where this was going at all.  
  
"We need to form a team to beat the Slytherins" Seamus said  
  
"...And we were wondering if you could help us out" Dean said  
  
"Of course we will!" Hermione said ecstatically.  
  
"Great!" They left running.  
  
"We will!?" Harry and Ron said incredulously.  
  
"Yes we will!" Hermione said hotly "honestly! We can help them get a good mark in that class!"  
  
"But Hermione what's Dog ball?" Ron asked.  
  
"Dodge ball Ron... anyways it's this game where you-  
  
As Hermione explained the rules to Ron (Who rather enjoyed the idea of pummeling Slytherins with balls), Harry groaned in protest.  
  
"What's wrong Harry?" Ron looked a bit concerned "is it your scar?"  
  
"No it's not my scar" he said annoyingly "I hate dodge ball!"  
  
"Why?! It's loads of fun!" Hermione said.  
  
"You played dodge ball Hermione?" Ron asked incredulously.  
  
"Yes... back at elementary school I was one of the best" She smiled.  
  
"Hello!!!" Harry waved his arms about.  
  
"Oh yes... sorry"  
  
"I CAN'T play dodge ball... I was always picked last, they always aimed at me, I was always pummeled by balls, they hated me, they always blamed me for everything!"  
  
Hermione opened her mouth to interject but she was cut off  
  
"_AND_ I always took pity on my team mates and lunged to protect them!" Harry said in frustration "and I'm not supposed to do that!!!"  
  
"Well you _DO_ have a tendency to save people..." Hermione chuckled.  
  
Harry shot dagger stares at her.  
  
"Relax mate it's just a game..." Ron said rather taken aback.  
  
"JUST A GAME!?! JUAST A GAME!?! IT'S A BRUTAL GAME!!!!! THERE IS NO MERCY IN DOGE BALL!!!" He stood up  
  
"Harry calm down!" Hermione scolded.  
  
"IT'S NOT MY BLOODY FAULT!!!"  
  
"Harry! WATCH YOUR LANGUGE!" Hermione scolded him once more.  
  
"Er... right... sorry" he sat down blushing, for the entire Great Hall was staring at him in curiosity.  
  
A/N- Yay I finally got around to writing this! I don't know if it's worth it though... tell me if I should even bother with this plot bunny... 


	2. Elementary Dodgeball Blues

**Chapter 2: **Elementary Dodgeball Blues

__

_"I pick Dave!" A fourth grader pointed at the tall blonde bloke next to me.  
  
"Pulkiss!" Dudley picked one of his gooneys.  
  
'Please don't pick me last please, please don't pick me last!!' I desperately thought.  
  
"Hmmm..." the kid voiced aloud... judging us... like a piece of meat. "Amanda!"  
  
'A GIRL!? HE PICKED A GIRL INSTEAD OF ME!?"  
  
"Uh... Randy!" Dudley chose yet another one of his huge gooneys...  
  
'Okay, relax, it's just me and the cripple kid... there is no way EVER that I'm going to be picked last'  
  
"You!"  
  
"Me!" as I step forward with a sigh of relief he looks at me as if he had stepped on a pile of sh-  
  
"NOT YOU!! THE CRIPPLE KID!!!"  
  
"Oh... ok" and I step back... at least I would be able to play...  
  
"AWW MAN!!! I Don't want HIM on my team!! He stinks!!!" Dudley stomped on the floor... causing a small earthquake... but not so small that is would not be noticed on the scale... but that is besides the point of this story...  
  
"I'll pick the rock!" Dudley bent over and picked up a small rock.  
  
"A rock? A rock!? YOU CAN'T PICK A ROCK OVER ME! FOR CHRIST SAKE'S I'M NOT THAT BAD!" I screamed in frustration.  
  
"Sorry Dud's you're stuck with the Potter kid"  
  
"Why!?"  
  
"Because you already used up your inanimate object quota for the week!"  
  
"No I still get one more!"  
  
"No you used it up with the mailbox"  
  
"Oh right..." Dudley groaned. "all right c'mon Potter!"  
  
The whistle blew hard, the game had begun. Both team captains ran to the center of the basketball court as I was left hiding behind one of my team mates.  
  
The fourth grader got the balls and they began pelting us furiously. As one of them headed towards me I panicked and ran in circles flailing my arms and screaming, oddly enough like a little schoolgirl... anyways I hit Pulkiss square in the face and rendered him unconscious...he was then hit by a dodgeball so he was out.  
  
More balls came flying towards me and I kept up my strategy of... acting like a pussy and screaming at the top of my lungs... the downside of this was that I somehow managed to knock out all of my team mates... It was only me and Duds now.  
  
The out of nowhere one came rushing towards me... there was no time for me to dodge it! So I caught it! I caught a ball! So I did a little victory dance. The I aimed at the crippled kid... there was no way he would dodge this attack! I summoned al my strength and threw the ball as hard as I could... roughly five feet in distance.  
  
Then I saw it, the thing that would surely be the end of us... that unnaturally huge fourth grader threw the ball at Dudley with all his might... I thought that if Dudley was eliminated... I wouldn't have a chance! So I ran as fast as I could and threw myself to protect my not-so-beloved cousin... but this being the huge ball and me being not-so-huge-in-fact-incredibly- scrawny little runt It hit me in the face, broke my glasses, for some unknown reason bounced off and hit Dudley in the nuts with incredible speed. The he fell to the floor in a fetal position cradling his er... manhood.  
  
When the game was over I got a beating from my team... and a nice nuclear wedgie that would last me a lifetime.  
  
"HARRY YOU IDIOT!!"  
  
"I was only trying to help!"  
  
"Damn Dud! You should have gone with the rock!" Pulkiss said simultaneously tripping me over and kicking my backside... I swear I will get him one day and rip his friggin'... of sorry got off topic again.  
  
_"And that's why I hate dodgeball" Harry stated.  
  
"Wow..." Ron said as if noticing that he was there for the first time.  
  
"You DO know that we weren't paying attention..." Hermione said eyeing Ron as he downed a whole keg of pumpkin juice.  
  
"yeah... but the least you could do is just nod and smile..." Harry plopped his head down on the table hard.  
  
"Harry don't do that you're killing brain cells" Ron said.  
  
'As if YOU have any left...' Harry thought.


	3. That has GOT to hurt!

Chapter 3: That has GOT to hurt!  
  
Harry woke up early Saturday morning. He yawned and stretched his arms, he'd been dreaming something about Dean and dodgeball... he quickly shook off the thought as he headed toward the bathroom.  
  
"Ow!" Harry felt something hard under his foot; he bent over "stupid rubber duck!" he made a mental note to tell Neville not to leave his stuff lying around. He stepped into the shower and let the warm water run down him. The door opened.  
  
"Morning 'Arry" Dean yawned. "We got practice at 9:00AM don't forget" he picked up his toothbrush and started to brush his teeth.  
  
'Practice? That's funny he's not on the Quidditch team...' Harry thought confusion taking over him. "Hey wait a minute, we don't have Quidditch practice today"  
  
"Nwot ferh qwidith! Dogthbarl!" Dean said foaming at the mouth.  
  
"Dean spit out the toothpaste..." Harry said.  
  
"Dean rinsed his mouth. "I said, not for Quidditch, it's for dodgeball you dolt"  
  
"WHAT!?" Harry's eyes shot open as big as dinner plates "I thought it had been a horrible, horrible nightmare!!!"  
  
"Harry you are clearly not a morning person..." with this he left for breakfast.  
  
-o- -o- -o- -o- -o- -o- -o- -o- -o-

  
Harry arrived last at the courtyard, his bad mood not far behind. Somebody had conjured up a basketball court; only it was a bit shorter. His other team mates were already there waiting for him.  
  
"All right, I see that we're all here, let's begin!" Seamus said  
  
"Okay, Hermione has hexed these quaffles to pummel us. All you have to do is dodge them, or catch them. Now... if you get hit you're out, when there is one player left standing you have to get that quaffle through that hoop; if you do you get all your team mates back."  
  
"All right Hermione!" Seamus signaled her. Hermione waved her wand and the quaffles zoomed towards them.  
  
Harry had been sulking in the back of the courtyard until a Quaffle whizzed by his ear. Another one came towards him, he screamed and ducked. On the floor, he eyed Ron, he was actually not that bad, he'd just caught a Quaffle and thrown it back to the other side. Harry skived sideways and into a nearby bush narrowly escaping a second Quaffle. He glanced at Hermione, a Quaffle came at her rather low, causing her to jump, and unfortunately for Dean the Quaffle bounced and hit him, so he was out. Harry sighed in relief, at least he wasn't the first one eliminated. Just as he was getting out of the bush Seamus got a blow to the face... blood spattered all over the place, Seamus was out.  
  
"Harry watch out!" Dean had yelled, but too late, poor Harry caught four consecutive blows to his... manhood so to speak.  
  
"Blimey!" Seamus and Dean almost squealed in pain.  
  
"Oh that has got to hurt like a m-OW MY NOSE!" Ron had stopped paying attention to the incoming torpedoes, instead squirming slightly at the pained Harry.  
  
"Oh my God..." Harry said in an unnaturally high-pitched tone, waddling over to the squirming boys "Well the factory is closed for the day, please come back again" he collapsed on the floor, grabbing his...ego.  
  
"Wow Hermione's pretty good" Ron said in awe.  
  
"All she has to do is get the ball through the hoop" and as Dean said this, she did.  
  
"C'mon Harry we have two more rounds!"  
  
"I think we're ok... we don't need more practice" Harry said, still in an unnatural high-pitched voice.  
  
"Just two more rounds Harry!" Hermione called back... to Harry's utmost horror.  
  
Next round Harry was the first one eliminated taking a blow smack in the face. Ron had been the last one standing, but missed the hoop shot. On the last round poor Harry was the third one eliminated by eight simultaneous blows to different parts of his aching body. ("Wow Harry... you're a ball magnet!" "Shut up Ron!").  
  
"Ok We're done-  
  
"FINALLY!!!" Harry nearly jumped with joy.  
  
"Let me finish! We're done with dodging practice, now it's time for target practice!" Dean finished.  
  
Harry groaned, if he was bad at dodging, he was much worse at targets.  
  
"Ok" Seamus conjured up some targets. "You have to hit these moving targets, once you do they'll vanish, but they will keep reappearing until a certain amount of knock outs"  
  
"Mobulus!" Hermione cast the spell on the cardboard cutouts and they started moving.  
  
Harry picked up the nearest Quaffle and threw it at the target, he missed by a mile. He got another one and threw it harder (roughly ten feet in distance), not even close. He grabbed two Quaffles, taking a running start Harry threw them with all his might.... He missed those too. A couple of hours of target practice and they were done.  
  
"Hey Hermione how many did you get?" Ron asked eagerly "I got 25!"  
  
"That's really good Ron, I'm impressed" she smiled "I got 32"  
  
"Wow I only got 18" Dean said. "How about you Seamus?"  
  
"Around 41"  
  
"Whoah! Wicked!" Ron was astonished. "Oh! How about you Harry?"  
  
Harry mumbled.  
  
"Excuse me... didn't hear you"  
  
"FIVE! I ONLY HIT FIVE BLOODY TARGETS!!!"  
  
The group stopped in their tracks... their expressions unreadable...for five seconds. They burst out laughing. They were laughing their heads off leaving one very confused/bewildered/furious teenager agape. They were now thrown out on the floor clutching their sides.  
  
"Boy Harry you weren't kidding when you said you stunk!" Ron said still choking in laughter.  
  
"You guys! Stop it!" Harry trembled with fury.  
  
They laughed even harder.  
  
"I CAN'T TAKE THIS! I'M GOING TO THE COMMON ROOM!" Harry stormed off muttering something about stupid fast moving targets and this being all Hermione's fault.


	4. Curse you teenage women!

**Chapter 4:** Damn you teenage women!

Harry awoke with a start. He had had another dodgeball nightmare. He stared at his surroundings... he was lying in the infirmary due to that little ball "accident".  
  
"Argh! Why can't I stop dreaming about balls!?" he screamed in frustration.  
  
"Hem-hem" Madame Promfey cleared her throat and raised her eyebrow at Harry's exclamation.  
  
"I uh... it's not what..." he stammered.  
  
"Oh dear lord not another 'happy' person" she muttered and shook her head.  
  
"No! It's not what you think!"  
  
She stared at him.  
  
"I'm not a 'happy' person!" he protested  
  
"That's what they all say Potter..."  
  
"I'M NOT GAY!"  
  
"Uh huh... sure thing... now run along, your 'manhood' (she made the quotation marks with her fingers) is not damaged" she turned around "not that you'll be using it..." she muttered to herself.  
  
"Hey! I heard that!"  
  
"Hey Harry!" Hermione came in "Is your... thing ok?" she asked a little ashamed.  
  
Harry glared at her; this was all her fault!  
  
"Well we best be going soon... the game starts in a few hours and I need to measure you for your uniform"  
  
"Uniform?" Harry asked with a hint of dread in his voice.  
  
"Yes! Look!" Hermione dug into her backpack. "Lavender and Parvati picked them out"  
  
Harry gulped.  
  
"Ahh here we go!"" she laid the uniform on Harry's bed sheets.  
  
"A pair of hot pink hot pants and a lilac tank top?!" Harry screamed in horror.  
  
"Suits you well..." Madame Promfey winked at him. Harry scowled at her.  
  
"Wait... I knitted us some hats aaaand...." She dug in her backpack again "neckerchiefs!"  
  
"Hermione... you are off your bloody rocker if you think that I'm wearing those..." he motioned towards the hot pants "retched excuse for pants I have ever seen! There is NO CHANCE IN HELL I will never, EVER wear those!"  
  
"But... b-but..." she looked like she was about to cry.  
  
"Aww Hermione... don't cry..." Harry softened a bit and looked back at the uniform "Ahh HELL NO! Have the other guys even seen these yet!?"  
  
"As a matter of fact... they did!"  
  
"Oh good..." he sighed in relief. There was no way they'd ever agree to such travesty.  
  
"It took a while... but Lavender, Parvati and I managed to convince them"  
  
Before Harry could react to this, Seamus, Dean and Ron walked into the room. Their eyes were glazed over and they had a vacant smile upon their faces. They were also wearing their uniforms and to Harry's horror... several lipstick markings all over them.  
  
'Oh no... this is not good...' Harry thought. "DAMN YOU TEENAGE WOMEN!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!" he cursed and got on his knees.  
  
Harry smiled in a twisted sort of way... then he twitched a bit. He stared at the uniform Hermione had laid out on his bed sheets, then back to the three boys staring happily into space. He broke out into a hysterical fit of giggles, promptly falling face down on the floor in tears of insanity.  
  
"Uhh... Madam Promfey!!!" Hermione yelled rather alarmed. "Madame Promfey I think Harry's having a psychological meltdown!!!"  
  
-o- -o- -o- -o-  
  
Hermione leading the way, Harry walked through the field with his teammates towards the game at the courtyard, tugging at his pants, which kept riding up his bum. He could see to his horror that most of the school had turned up to watch the game. He leaned over to Ron and whispered.  
  
"Ron... I can't believe you actually agreed to wear these hot pants!" he tugged at them again. "They're pink!"  
  
Ron stared straight forward... a dribble of drool hanging from the corner of his mouth.  
  
"Pink... hot pants... good" Ron muttered absentmindedly without looking at Harry.  
  
"Ron! Are you mad!" Harry whispered again.  
  
"Pink is good... pink is very good" he kept staring forward.  
  
"Ron... what are you staring at?" Harry looked to where Ron was staring... a nice, round, firm, pink-hot panted Hermione bum. "Oh... pink is nice"  
  
"Lilac better..." Dean and Seamus stared at Lavender and Parvati... who were in full lilac cheerleading outfits.  
  
"Wow... I suddenly understand why Lockhart liked lilac so much..." Dean tilted his head a bit.  
  
"Guys!" Hermione called to them.  
  
"Pink good" Ron and Harry nodded absentmindedly.  
  
"Hey! Hey guys! Watch out!" Hermione yelled.  
  
The three goggling boys smashed into a tree.  
  
"DAMN YOU TEENAGE WOMEN BUMS!!!!" Harry cursed getting down on his knees. Everybody stared. "Er... yes... sorry 'bout that" Harry blushed.  
  
A/N- ::sigh:: I swore this was going to be the last chapter...but then this thing popped into my head... I think it turned out pretty well... tell me what you think! Review! (Next chapter will definitely be my last... I hope).


	5. The Match and the Outcome

**Chapter 5:** The Match and the Outcome

"Nice hot pants Potter!" catcalls from the Slytherin stand were heard as the Gryffindor Team arrived to the center of the courtyard.

Harry felt his face grow hot in embarrassment. The team huddled together.

"Ok you guys! This is it... good luck and do your best!" Hermione smiled nervously.

"A little bit of advice before we start..." Dean said.

"What?" Harry asked eagerly, anything could help.

"Please Harry... stay away from the shiny red balls" he chuckled.

"WHY YOU LITTLE...

"Teams line up now!" Madame Hooch called. Both teams lined up at the ends of the court.

"On your marks! Get set! GO!" She blew on the whistle and both teams dashed to the center of the court to retrieve the Quaffles.

Hermione arrived first, and then Malfoy from the opposing team, then Ron and Dean, followed by Goyle and Pansy.

Both teams hurried back to their starting point to commence flinging Quaffles at their adversaries.

"Harry watch out!" Ron called as he threw one at Pansy.

Harry jumped and dodged the Quaffle. He quickly picked it up and aimed at Blaise, he ducked.

"Damn it" he muttered angrily.

"All right! Knock out routine number one!" Hermione yelled back ass she flung another Quaffle at Goyle who dodged it. "Target: GOLDEN SNAKE!"

"Huh?" Harry was confused.

"Oh boys!" Hermione giggled at the Slytherin boys, turned sideways and bent over, causing them to drop their Quaffles and stare at her open mouthed. "FIRE!"

Seamus, Dean and Ron threw their Quaffle at an oblivious Draco Malfoy. The first hitting him on the head, second to his abdominal area and the last hitting his knees causing him to fall face first into the cold stone floor.

"YOU BLOODY LITTLE...

"Draco Malfoy OUT!" Hooch blew her whistle and dragged him away. The Gryffindor stands cheered.

"It's not fair!!!" he kicked and screamed as he was dragged away.

"Too bad Malfoy" Hermione winked at him, he growled in disgust.

Pansy scoffed "Two can play this game!"

Hooch blew her whistle signaling Round two.

"Ok! My turn!" Pansy bent over, causing her green shorts to split. There was a collective groan from the crowd.

"ARGH! OUR EYES!" Harry closed his eyes tight and tossed the Quaffle in her general direction. Catching her in the buttocks and knocking her over.

"Pansy Parkinson out!" More cheers from Gryffindor erupted.

Harry opened his eyes "All right!"

The whistle blew again. A Quaffle zoomed past his ear hitting Dean's Face. Another zoomed towards Harry. He jumped sideways landing on Dean, but successfully dodging Crabbe's attempt.

"Dean Thomas OUT!" Slytherins cheered with delight. The whistle blew again.

Blaise Zabini grabbed two balls and threw them at Hermione, who dodged the first one but took a blow on her thigh with the second one.

"Hermione!!!" Ron yelled back at her.

"Hermione Granger OUT!" Slytherins cheered once again while Gryffindors groaned in protest.

Ron growled, "Now it's personal!"

"Ron?" Harry asked "Never mind... I don't think I want to know"

The whistle blew again. Ron raced to get the biggest Quaffle and flung it at Blaise Zabini, who looked frozen, like a deer in headlights as the huge Quaffle approached him. The sheer force of it knocked him backwards.

"BOOYAH!!!" Ron did a little victory dance, which looked oddly like an American football player who'd just made a touchdown.

"Blaise Zabini OUT!" The whistle blew again. Crabbe and Goyle were the only ones left.

One grunt from Goyle, two from Goyle and then they both nodded. They flipped around and mooned the Gryffindor team.

"AAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" They all threw themselves on the floor covering their eyes.

"THE PAIN!!!" Ron screamed.

"THE HORROR!!!!" Seamus followed.

"Argh!!! I THINK I'M GOING TO BE SICK!!!" Harry closed his eyes tight.

Harry heard two blasts, followed by two pained screams, and finally two dull thuds.

"Uh-oh..." Harry got up in terror, his eye still closed "Oh no" he turned around. "No no no no no no no....." He opened his eyes again and saw Hooch dragging his shell-shocked teammates away, a red Quaffle shaped burn on their faces.

The whistle blew hard.

"HARRY! GET THE QUAFFLE THROUGH THE HOOP!!!!" Hermione yelled.

All sound faded, everything was in slow motion. Harry looked desperately around for a Quaffle he spotted one halfway across the court. He dashed this way and that, dodging fierce attacks from Crabbe and Goyle. He picked up the Quaffle and ran back to the end of the court skiving more attacks.

He reached the end of the court, his heart was racing, he needed to make this shot or else Slytherin would win. He leaned back to gain force, he pictured the hoop; he could do it. Harry moved his left leg with his right arm forward. Releasing the Quaffle from his fingertips with all his might.

The crowd stood up slowly in anticipation, Harry watched the scarlet Quaffle rotating through the air with a hopeful smile on his lips. It hit the side of the hoop and watched it circle around the rim, his hopeful smile growing with each lap.

Around and around, it neared the middle of the hoop and hit the opposite side of the rim, going around once more. It started to slow down balancing itself but getting unstable quickly and it fell. It was...

An ear splitting cheer filled the air over a loud groan. The Quaffle had not gone through the hoop. Harry fell to his knees, hopeful smile fading away.

"AAAARRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!! THI SUCKS!!!' he hit the cold hard ground with his fist and let himself collapse with a dull thud.

"Aww nice try Harry!" Seamus extended a hand to help him up.

"Good game" Hermione added. She stretched out "I'm hitting the showers, I am beat!"

"Yeah me too" Ron nodded.

"I need to get out of these itchy hot pants" Dean pulled out a wedgie.

"Wait... I just blew the game... aren't you guys mad?"

"Mmm... no not really" Seamus said.

"We still get good marks, this was an optional assignment"

With this they all marched to the castle laughing. Harry twitched and dropped down on the floor again. Then he started laughing in an insane way.

"Not again Potter..." Madame Promfey sighed. "I'm guessing too much excitement... two male behinds in one day" she grabbed his ankles and started to drag him towards the castle. "Pity... so many girls will be disappointed when they find out..."

THE END!

A/N- I told you guys I'd have this chapter uploaded before I started school! And with seventeen and a half hours to spare! REVIEW PLEASE!!!


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